Why do I hide?
Jonah tried to hide, and in the process, he put others in harm’s way. God asked him to do something hard, and he didn’t want to. He ran and hopped on a boat to get away from God. When God, the Lord of land and sea, stirred up a storm to get his attention, his escape boat almost sank, and the crew feared for their lives. Jonah was running from God… because he didn’t want to do what God asked him to do.
Which way am I running? (Or strolling, because I no longer run anywhere…)
I tell myself I’m running towards God, not away from Him. But… if I know darned-well He has asked me to do something and I don’t want to do it… am I REALLY running towards Him? What in this scenario is my source of doubt and fear? Why am I not confident that He will provide what is needed to do what He has asked?
God: “Write.”
Self-doubt: “I have nothing to say.” “I feel like a fraud.” “I’m not that special.”
Audience-doubt: “No one will want to read what I write.” “People are so quick to judge and criticize.” “I don’t think I could handle the awful comments and reviews.”
Comparison-fear: “There are so many brilliant writers out there.” “There are millions of unread excess books sitting in thrift stores.” “Anyone can write a book.”
I have בָּטַח tattooed on my arm. TRUST. Partly because I know it’s so important, and partly because it’s something I’m working on. Trust. It’s the goal and the process and the daily journey. It’s the minute-by-minute choice. Trust. Because I KNOW God is good and that He is with me and is faithful. Trust. Because I know I am weak and get distracted and try and fail, try and fail. And once in a while I am a tiny bit successful, and then I let it get to my head and I fall on my face again.
Maybe the question starts with focus. Where am I looking? (To Whom am I looking?)
As God gently mentioned to me the other day, “Rehearse my Goodness, not the negative circumstances.” And He is oh so good. Why on earth would I want to dwell in the mess instead of His glory? Why would my doom-loop brain get stuck on something that irritated me instead of the endless love of my dear Father? Why would I choose half-chewed gum off the ground instead of a banquet of the finest gourmet foods?
It’s absurd, really.
And yet somehow not so simple.
It’s a choice. And it’s something I need God to help me with.
“Practice.”
This is the word of the week that seems to be popping up everywhere in my reading. “Practice.” Choose. Refocus. Repeat.
What is my inner voice – my ‘song on repeat’ in my head? (What song do I CHOOSE to run on repeat?) Because it is, after all, my choice.
And it matters.
Oh Lord, help me follow You and run to You. Increase my trust as I rehearse Your Goodness. Let my default setting be to rest in Your care instead of fretting and stewing. Give me courage to listen well and respond without fear. Fix my gaze on You, please. You are far more beautiful than I even fully know yet.